I Wasn’t Sure What To Write…
I wasn’t sure what to write about and then it happened (Bam!!) the smack heard ‘round the world! Singers Chris Brown and his girlfriend, Rihanna put a face on the growing problem of domestic violence. Being a journalist, I know, we don’t have all the facts; we don’t know what happened leading up to the altercation. Yes, all of this is true and as a reporter I will keep that objective eye open.
But, as a father of a fifteen-year-old daughter, who like many her age had a crush on the talented Mr. Brown I say BS!!! There is no need to really know anything more than: Did he do it? Did he lay his hands on this young woman? If so…’nuff said. Here again, one more argument for getting back to the old school teachings that kept us in good stead for a long time. Some things aren’t gray. Some teachings and lessons shouldn’t be seen as outdated thoughts of a generation gone by. One of those wisdoms is “never lay your hands on a woman.” That used to be one of the first instructions people used to share with boys coming up.
First, let me say that it’s not about these two young musical stars. In fact, 
I have met Chris on a number of occasions (including when he took a picture with my daughter, Taylor, at the Kids Choice Awards) and until this incident, he seemed like his image, a good kid. He may in fact be just that and like many young people, he has allowed a stupid, non-thinking moment guide his actions. I hope that he and Rihanna can move past this embarrassing episode and that it does not ruin either one’s future. There is one good thing that has come from this incident. The white-hot media attention made us look at an issue that we have been looking away from or just not wanting to see for too long. Everyone from Essence Magazine to Tyra Banks to CNN is looking at domestic violence. The Chris Brown/Rihanna tragedy as Oprah suggested, can serve as a learning tool for everyone.
This headline grabbing confrontation cannot stand alone in teaching the public. We are all culpable here. The reality is this kind of violence is played out far too often. The difference here is simply the participants are two famous celebrities. Statistics show that numbers on domestic violence continue to climb and African-American women suffer disproportionately. These numbers are escalating for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that men haven’t been demanding that the punk-as* act of hitting a woman is NEVER acceptable! We haven’t pulled our young men together and told them that this behavior is NOT tolerated in our community. Perhaps even more important is what we haven’t told our daughters. We have neglected in many cases to tell them that no man, not even your boyfriend or husband, is to put their hands on you for any reason.
For much of the year, the Daddy’s Promise initiative has promoted the idea of the invaluable role fathers play in building the expectations and self-esteem of our daughters. The number of battered women would surely decrease if more fathers took an active role in showing their daughters what they should expect from other men.
Women have a role in this as well. When the story was first reported I was shocked at the number of women who said of Rihanna, “I wonder what she did?” Those cries lessened when pictures of a badly-beaten Rihanna surfaced, but still the question lingered. Sure, some of the issue was finding it hard to believe that a “nice kid” like Chris Brown could (allegedly) do this. But, this happens in all circles. Domestic violence is a real danger- no matter your neighborhood or background. It equally impacts poor and rich, black and white, famous and not.
So, I say to the men out there, let’s not miss this chance to teach what we aren’t putting up with anymore. Pull your boys aside, especially those who might be a little “wild” and let them know that this is not the way to handle a lady. Let’s tell our “young men” that hitting a female is misguided manhood and not tolerated.
We need to sit down with our young women and tell them there is no love in a beating. The mistaken thought held by many women is that “he must love me a lot if he gets this emotional” is just that…a mistake. If he loves you he should be man enough to know there is no victory in beating on a woman. Women need to know that you should not be silent and you should never put up with any form of (physical or mental) violence from your “partner.” Let her know that if she is abused, even once, she must speak-up and tell someone. Don’t hide in shame and assume you did something wrong. Say loudly, that I will not be struck!!!!
Lastly, as a father of a beautiful young woman, I must add one other ol’ school note. While I generally feel that violence should not be answered with more violence, this is an occasion that I have to admit I don’t think I would turn the other cheek. I am not sure that if this were to happen to my daughter that I wouldn’t be on the hunt. The idea of letting a man know messing with my “baby” WILL bring “a lil’ something” to YOUR door may in fact act as a bit of a deterrent to the cowardly act of hitting a women.
Fathers make sure you talk to your daughters (and sons) and let them know that this song is old and it’s time to sing a new tune.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Is anyone out there up for putting together support groups for the girls/young women out there that do not have a positive male figure in thier lives? Let’s put our heads together and see what we can do to help.
Regards,
Nicholas Harper aka Nichole’s Dad
March 19th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Dear Mr. Gordon,
I just wanted to comment on your thoughts about Chris Brown and Rhianna, I glad it take a real man like yourself to express how you feel and not be like these so call men like P. Diddy, Usher etc that are making excuses for Chris Brown, now matter what Rhianna said or did he did not have to hit her or even worse bite her, that something Mike Tyson would do. And this is subject is really a touchy one for me because my Mother was a victim of domestic violence. And I know it has had an effect on my on my siblings and I because out of the four my brother above me is the only one married with a daughter of his own.
And my older brother will hit a woman in a minute, he has threaten to knock the crap out of me, but I’m the one who raised he son, who is now eighteen going on nineteen and I told my nephew when he was four years old NEVER hit a girl I didn’t care if the girl hit him first because I wanted to break the cycle so far so good, on my Father’s side ALL my Dad’s brother’s beat their wives and girlfriends, which they had at the same time,kids out of wedlock. And it has really effected the oldest, my sister is going to be 48 yrs old never married, thinks black men is a no no because she saw the worst of my mom’s beatings. and when it comes to me I’m 43, the youngest never been married, no kids. I not sure what my issues are with men, I can get one but , I’m very picky about who I go out with, I do not know how it feels for my father to tell me that i was beautiful because he died three days after I turned three, he’s girlfriend stab him to death so I don’t remember him that well. and I like looking at your Daddy’s Promise website and I must admitt i get jealous because I wish I a Dad to do things with. I look at you your daughter and I wish that was me, your daughter is very lucky along with the rest of the daughthers on your site. Mr. Gordon I don’t have a single picture with me and my Dad. There is a emptyness in me because I never got to know my Father, but I guess somethings just weren’t meant for some of us, tell your daughter how lucky she is and how lucky you are to have her.
I’m sorry that this is so long but i was just lookin at the photo album and I just felt I had to write you especially with this bullcrap with this Chris Brown drama. So enough about me , the tears are starting to flow harder
March 24th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I just finished browsing your website (at work) and I must say I was very empressed. I “love” seeing men w / their kid(s). I’m a single mom of two - 8 yr old boy & 9 yr old girl. I think there shouldl be as well, a website for men and their son’s. There are so many children being raised in a single parent home and it’s really sad. I wish ALL men (regardless of color, but, yes black men in general) would start taking responibility for children. No matter if the parents are toghether or not, no matter how much a guy says; “I don’t get along w / my baby mama” that should never be a reason to abandon (so to speak) your children. I read the article you wrote on CB & R. Actulally no one can’t help but read about it in magazines, web sites and then turn on the t.v. because of who they are. Which I think is sad because if they were just two ordinary people fighting that no one knew this would have never so publicized. And yes I do feel that domestic violence is a silent killer and needs to addressed. We all on this earth know that he did this - he hit her, he really beat her. And your right there still to this day people of his peers defending him. They say yes what he did was wrong but that he’s still a “great guy”. I don’t know maybe I’m a little judgemental, but, to me if any one displays any signs of negative behaivor and never make any changes, then to me, you are not a good person. It’s funny, how it seems how we as humans can have a split - personality. One min we’re so nice, funny, friendly mainly to co-workers and it this case, to the fans who listen music and watch movies, we’re so nice too, but, in the privacy of own homes, we’re monsters to our families. My childern are 8 & 9 yrs as stated above, and they have never been raised w / their dad, but, recently he (dad) started coming back around. I must honestly say, that for me at 33 yrs old, I have “NEVER” been in abusive realtionship, I’ve been through some things, probably more stupid things than anything, but, I’m gald that I never let myself become a victim of some ones abuse. Other than raising my kdis w /the help of my mom, I’m a loner so - I can and would rather live alone. But, my son, has a lot of his dad’s trats. He can get so upset that he’s ready to take it out on someone. There have been times where I have caught him trying to act as if he’s going to hit his sister (who is 9) in their moment of sibling rivalry. And as the parent I have to really let him know that - that type of behavior is unacceptable and it will NOT be allowed in my home. He really tries to control his temper because I have constantly stayed on him (and will continue to do so until he is an adult) and talk to him and let him know that it’s not ever ok for a man to hit a woman. I wish more parents rather single or not would teach their kids; teach their boys that hittting a girl / woman doesn’t make a you a man, it makes you less than a man, it makes you a punk. Point blank. And to our daughters, to always stand up for themselves, be strong and to never let a man use your precious body for a garbage can and a punching bag!
March 25th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Dear Mr. Gordon,
I am so excited about this move. My nephew sent me the link and I can’t believe how much your
“Daddy’s Promise” is like my original play, “Daddy Daddy.” It deals with the impact of absent father’s on the llives of the main character, a girl named Sarai and her childhood sweetheart, Rico. I would love to send you the treatment, as I have been looking for a venue to minister to dad’s. I even have a vision of taking it into prisons, etc.
God Bless YOU! This is definitely from the heart of God!
Cherie Garland
March 29th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Tonight, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over this very subject. She asked me if it was ever right for a man to put his hands on a woman. I asked her if she knew how many boys and young man had been killed in our city in the last 6 months (we get about 1 every 2 weeks here in Chicago; my kids knew 3 of them this last year). She said that was not relevant. I said they were connected, she disagreed, we changed the subject.
It seemed to me that I am always being expected to spontaneously and dependably be indignant about this particular issue, but when the subject is reversed, I rarely see the same level of spontaneous and dependable indignation about our boy’s/young men’s mortality rates. In her mind, and I admit to being a bit trite here, but a dead boy is a lesser sin than an inconvenienced woman. In my mind, woman are rarely taken to task over the same sins as men or rather men (and boys) are treated far more harshly by our system for the same crimes as women. The current incarceration and mortality rates reflect this trend quite dramatically, I think.
The subject that really needs to be addressed here, if you truly want men to come off their benches and participate in the conversation, is the one of physical And emotional domestic violence. Trivializing the issue of ‘women getting under the skin of men’ does not do this justice. Men do not want to be less manly and ‘complain’, so most just man-up and keep it to themselves and conversely, most women are not willing to man-up and admit to this problem either. Hence, we have this wall of silence by so many men when this subject comes up. Trying to shame men into action has yet to work and probably won’t until this injustice is addressed.
Case in point, the recent (Jan ‘09) arrest of the Chicago Octo-mom, a women arrested for slamming down her 3 month old baby girl, is being treated with kid gloves with counseling, and classes and evaluations by the social and legal services in Chicago. There is not a father in this city (south and west sides anyway) that does not know that had the situation been reversed and it had been the dad, he would have been immediately vilified and pilloried. Social services, in Chicago anyway, tends to assume that mom is good/right and dad is bad/wrong, in most cases. Additionally, another consequence of this social injustice, we have too many fathers, particularly young fathers, severely disenfranchised from or at least not fully participating in their childrens’ lives as they need to be.
In closing, my son did spend 6 months sleeping in the back yard when I found out he had put his hands on his baby’s mama, so I do take this subject quite seriously, however, I am not quite sure what to do when my 9yo god daughter comes over with bruises from mom. So, tell me, is this really just a men’s problem?
April 1st, 2009 at 8:05 am
Dear Ed Gordon and Daddy’s Promise Supports:
I agree with you in that fathers should set example for their daughters in terms of how men are to treat women. The relations young girls see their fathers having with their mothers or other women is the best way in which they will know how men are to treat them. I also think it’s important to understand how the media likes to portray Black Men as being less than respectful of our women as well. This is not to down play the significant of Chris Brown/Rihanna incident or domestic violence in general. I do think however there are a significant number of Black Men who have relations similar to that of President Baraka H. Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama and more inference should be place there. As the saying goes: Accentuate The Positive. Thank you
May 4th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
i am the father of a 19yr old and a 14yr old girl. anybody, anybody hurt them, somebody better get to them before i do, for their sake.
May 5th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I worked for Ed Gordon when he headed up BET’s late night news program. What I remember about Gordon were his keen insight and advice for me as a journalist. But never before have I been more impressed with him than with his committment to family. Even back then (2000) he escorted his young daughter (perhaps 7 years old at the time) into the newsroom, not just on take your daughter to work day but an ordinary news day. As the newsroom bustled with activity, Gordon spent time with Taylor. Now he has a new campaign urging other fathers to do the same. Kudos Ed.
May 6th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Hi Mr Gordon I thank you for doing this for daughters everywhere.I am a 49 yr old am female who has never meet her dad.I was raised by my grandmother and a male friend of hers who became my godfather and helped her raise me.It was he who tauth me what to look for in a man and never let a man put his hands on me.Both of people have passed on but their lessons have stayed with me to this day.You hold on strong to taylor,frome one who had a strong dad in her corner.Thank you God bless mdq
May 7th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Mr. Gordon,
As a father of two teenage girls and grandfather to a beautiful 16 month old girl, I have a special appreciation for your website and this article. My feelings are similar to those you espoused for protecting, teaching, and raising our daughters. I often wondered what actions I would take when confronted with a circumstance of abuse, or even for that matter, anything that changed the course of the life I’ve spent so much time cultivating, encouraging, and loving.
Then it happened, my oldest daughter informed me of her pregnancy on the day I returned from an out-of-town business trip. My first question after reaffirming my love for our daughter was to inquire whether she made a decision to participate or not. Her answer shaped my actions and permitted me to continue to provide for my family by nurturing and guiding both daughters instead of ‘going on the hunt’.
I could have reacted in a different manner, after all she was only 16 years old. But I also realized that the young man’s father was not in his life since he was three years old, and he had no positive male role models growing up. He really was not worth throwing away all our family had in an act of retaliation. My daughter’s relationship may not have been one of abuse, yet the potential change to my daughter’s future was painful to consider.
Thankfully, my daughter is focused on completing college after just finishing her freshman year. I would not want to consider the plight of my daughter if I was locked up and unable to teach them to drive, take prom pictures, or help with homework. As fathers of daughters, we have multiple responsibilities of teaching our own daughters, mentoring the young men in our community, and in some instance giving guidance to our daughter’s friends that have no father in there life.
I wish you much success in promoting the special relationship between fathers and daughters. This special relationship will help our daughters make positive decisions about the man they allow in their life and in their hearts.
May 29th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
I appreciate your POV Ed and I totally agree with your remarks. The message needs to be put out there to our young men that this kind of abuse is not acceptable at all. There is so much that can be learned from this very public domestic violence issue and the impact it has had so far on young brothers and sister who look up to both Chris and Rihanna.
July 20th, 2009 at 6:29 am
THANK YOU. it is so about time that a ” Man ” said ” Lets teach that boys and men should NOT hit girls and women ” THANK YOU. because it is the need of men speaking up to boys and other men to say ” hey that is so NOT cool ” to get eyes open. and behavior to change. I was a Domestic Abuse Victim for ” fifteen years “. i stayed because we had children….UNTIL it was my children who said to me ” mom we dont want daddy back ” that i realised i had been doing more damage by trying to hold the family together no matter what then i would be to have my kids come from a broken home. i say this as a mother that has ” been there and done that ” to other moms being abused by spouses or boyfriends : ” trust me your kids wuld rather see you alive then keep daddy in the house ” . now my estranged spouse whom i have thankfully been seporated from for two years didnt beat me to the point of bruises. but he slapped me numerous times and spit on me numerous times and used foul language against me and put me down until my self esteem was completely crushed….that is ABUSE. and now my twelve year old son thinks it is ok for him to slap me and push me and punch holes in the walls BECAUSE that is the behavior example his father gave him. I have to find a way to reverse and undo the emotional damage his father did. by years of bad example. so thankyou for writing what you wrote. because domestic abuise does hit all types of families and it has been like a growing epidemic for too many years and too many women dont tell and too many children emotionally suffer and too many boys turn violent even if they were angry at dad for hitting mom. the cycle must be stopped. teach families how to love. any kind of violence only breeds more upset and more violence. it does not resolve problems.