I Wasn’t Sure What To Write…
March 15th, 2009
I wasn’t sure what to write about and then it happened (Bam!!) the smack heard ‘round the world! Singers Chris Brown and his girlfriend, Rihanna put a face on the growing problem of domestic violence. Being a journalist, I know, we don’t have all the facts; we don’t know what happened leading up to the altercation. Yes, all of this is true and as a reporter I will keep that objective eye open.
But, as a father of a fifteen-year-old daughter, who like many her age had a crush on the talented Mr. Brown I say BS!!! There is no need to really know anything more than: Did he do it? Did he lay his hands on this young woman? If so…’nuff said. Here again, one more argument for getting back to the old school teachings that kept us in good stead for a long time. Some things aren’t gray. Some teachings and lessons shouldn’t be seen as outdated thoughts of a generation gone by. One of those wisdoms is “never lay your hands on a woman.” That used to be one of the first instructions people used to share with boys coming up.
First, let me say that it’s not about these two young musical stars. In fact, 
I have met Chris on a number of occasions (including when he took a picture with my daughter, Taylor, at the Kids Choice Awards) and until this incident, he seemed like his image, a good kid. He may in fact be just that and like many young people, he has allowed a stupid, non-thinking moment guide his actions. I hope that he and Rihanna can move past this embarrassing episode and that it does not ruin either one’s future. There is one good thing that has come from this incident. The white-hot media attention made us look at an issue that we have been looking away from or just not wanting to see for too long. Everyone from Essence Magazine to Tyra Banks to CNN is looking at domestic violence. The Chris Brown/Rihanna tragedy as Oprah suggested, can serve as a learning tool for everyone.
This headline grabbing confrontation cannot stand alone in teaching the public. We are all culpable here. The reality is this kind of violence is played out far too often. The difference here is simply the participants are two famous celebrities. Statistics show that numbers on domestic violence continue to climb and African-American women suffer disproportionately. These numbers are escalating for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that men haven’t been demanding that the punk-as* act of hitting a woman is NEVER acceptable! We haven’t pulled our young men together and told them that this behavior is NOT tolerated in our community. Perhaps even more important is what we haven’t told our daughters. We have neglected in many cases to tell them that no man, not even your boyfriend or husband, is to put their hands on you for any reason.
For much of the year, the Daddy’s Promise initiative has promoted the idea of the invaluable role fathers play in building the expectations and self-esteem of our daughters. The number of battered women would surely decrease if more fathers took an active role in showing their daughters what they should expect from other men.
Women have a role in this as well. When the story was first reported I was shocked at the number of women who said of Rihanna, “I wonder what she did?” Those cries lessened when pictures of a badly-beaten Rihanna surfaced, but still the question lingered. Sure, some of the issue was finding it hard to believe that a “nice kid” like Chris Brown could (allegedly) do this. But, this happens in all circles. Domestic violence is a real danger- no matter your neighborhood or background. It equally impacts poor and rich, black and white, famous and not.
So, I say to the men out there, let’s not miss this chance to teach what we aren’t putting up with anymore. Pull your boys aside, especially those who might be a little “wild” and let them know that this is not the way to handle a lady. Let’s tell our “young men” that hitting a female is misguided manhood and not tolerated.
We need to sit down with our young women and tell them there is no love in a beating. The mistaken thought held by many women is that “he must love me a lot if he gets this emotional” is just that…a mistake. If he loves you he should be man enough to know there is no victory in beating on a woman. Women need to know that you should not be silent and you should never put up with any form of (physical or mental) violence from your “partner.” Let her know that if she is abused, even once, she must speak-up and tell someone. Don’t hide in shame and assume you did something wrong. Say loudly, that I will not be struck!!!!
Lastly, as a father of a beautiful young woman, I must add one other ol’ school note. While I generally feel that violence should not be answered with more violence, this is an occasion that I have to admit I don’t think I would turn the other cheek. I am not sure that if this were to happen to my daughter that I wouldn’t be on the hunt. The idea of letting a man know messing with my “baby” WILL bring “a lil’ something” to YOUR door may in fact act as a bit of a deterrent to the cowardly act of hitting a women.
Fathers make sure you talk to your daughters (and sons) and let them know that this song is old and it’s time to sing a new tune.